Seeing red Seeing red (March 19, 2004)

Couples can reduce remodeling stress by learning to compromise, communicate and negotiate

By Dana Green

When Matt and Jill Ohline told their contractor they intended to stay in their house during construction, he looked them in the eye and asked, "Do you want to get a divorce?"

"We decided to rent," Jill Ohline said, smiling. The couple moved into a small home around the corner during the four-month project. It was lucky they did: A few changes to their cramped kitchen turned into a full-scale home remodel that left just the roof and one small guest bathroom.

"We followed the advice that we should do a project of that magnitude early in the marriage -- when it's good and strong," Matt Ohline laughed.

Major changes in life's habits and routines -- even positive ones -- can be stressful. Remodeling a home certainly fits in this category: According to the Holmes Stress Scale, a do-it-yourself stress evaluator, changes to your residence or living conditions rank among the top 25 stress indicators. When one of you despises the kitchen cabinets, or the electrician is running three weeks behind schedule, it can be easy for couples to turn on each other instead of working together to find solutions.

But there are ways to minimize conflict and keep your relationship intact as you endure a remodeling project. With careful planning and clear communication, in the end couples can gain a beautiful house and a stronger relationship.

The first step is communicating -- and compromising -- with your partner about the goals for the project. Leta Zwiebel, a Menlo Park psychologist, encourages couples to sit down with each other and thoroughly discuss their dreams and hopes for the project -- down to the smallest detail.

"The whole idea of remodeling is based on fantasy, on how you want to live," Zwiebel said. "It's so important in the beginning to vocalize your fantasies. Be as specific and complete as you can." If you have always dreamed of a skylight in the bedroom or your own sunken tub, communicate that in exact detail to your partner.

If your visions clash, decide which elements are top priority. "It's important to let go of the things that don't matter that much," Zwiebel said. On the other hand, stick to your guns if certain details such as a reading room or a spacious kitchen island mean a great deal to you.

"People should not settle for what they really don't like," Zwiebel adds. "Negotiate, compromise, but don't settle."

Richard Morrison, a Palo Alto architect, agrees that careful planning and design work before the contractor is hired will go far to reduce stress down the line. "It causes conflicts when people don't make decisions before the project starts," Morrison said.

He recommends creating a scrapbook of your new home -- right down to the cabinet knobs. He also suggests, if possible, that couples shop together for fixtures, cabinets and other project necessities. If only one partner has time to shop, he or she can take along a camera and snap pictures of the prospective items.

Zwiebel agrees that both partners need to be involved in the project from the beginning. If one person checks out entirely, communication becomes far more difficult. "Being a participant is much less distressing," Zwiebel said. "We're less stressed when we have information."

The Ohlines found that walking the dog was the ideal time to discuss the minute details of the project. "No television to distract you, you can focus on what you want to talk about," Jill said. Jill, a teacher, did most of the planning when she was off work during the summer months. Matt reviewed her choices and weighed in on insulation, drywall and other technical considerations.

When the Ohlines could not decide on cabinet fixtures, they found their own way to compromise. "I got to pick the knobs in the kitchen, he got to pick the ones in the bathroom," Jill said.

Often it is men who are reluctant to take part in the design process. "Most men defer to female partners regarding color, finishes and furnishings," Morrison said. "Sometimes it's a source of regret that men don't get a space that's theirs."

Women can have a stronger vision of their dream house, Zwiebel concurs. "Women feel more comfortable speaking about the home," she said.

Even a reticent partner should be encouraged to speak up, even when a clear vision isn't obvious.

Money, of course, is probably the greatest source of remodeling stress. Inspection requirements or work delays can often push the budget sky-high, and blood pressure can go with it.

Morrison recommends building in a contingency fund -- and being prepared to spend it. "Knowing you have a safety cushion can ease a lot of tension," he said.

It can also pay in the long run to move out during the remodeling if a majority of your home is going to be affected by the construction work.

"You'll save because construction will go faster," Morrison said. "If it has to be phased so you can live there, it stretches out the project." Be sure to factor in time -- and the stress of living in a construction zone -- when you decide whether or not to rent during the process.

Once the project has begun, the second step is to sharpen your negotiating skills. Reading a book on how to negotiate can be helpful before you begin remodeling, according to Morrison. When homeowners do not have the ability to clearly communicate with their contractor, conflict can cause additional stress.

Matt, an engineer, found that his negotiating skills honed at work came in handy. "The contractor would push his ideas, to make things cheaper or easier. ... If we called him on it, he'd come around." Renting a home in the neighborhood allowed Matt to regularly check in and ensure problems did not get out of hand.

If a conflict with your contractor does come up, Zwiebel recommends having one partner do the negotiating -- the one affected most by the mix-up. He or she will have the motivation to get to the root of the problem -- as long as they can communicate clearly.

"Find out why it happened. Ask very specific questions. Express your disappointment firmly -- but not aggressively," Zwiebel said. Talk the problem through with your contractor until you understand it thoroughly and are satisfied with the solution.

If you are living in your house during the remodel and you have washed the dishes in the bathtub one too many times, make sure to watch your stress levels. Anxiety, depression, inability to concentrate, a lack of patience with your children, or eating too much or too little can all be signs of high stress, Zwiebel said.

If the remodeling is putting a strain on your relationship, make sure to set everything aside and be there for each other. Go away for the weekend, plan relaxing activities together, or give each other special gifts like flowers to remind your partner that he or she comes first. "It can be a wonderful opportunity to rekindle your relationship," Zwiebel said.

Be sure to also keep the project in proper perspective. "Remind yourself that it is time-limited," Zwiebel said. "Don't let external chaos affect your world view."

Ultimately, a remodeling project can send the stress levels soaring if couples are not prepared to spend a lot of time communicating, compromising and practicing the tireless patience of a Zen monk. But the rewards can be great. The Ohlines now have their dream house, complete with an open kitchen, skylights and a Spanish-style master bathroom -- with a double vanity. But why two sinks?

"Someone said that it was the secret to a long marriage," Matt Ohline said with a laugh.

E-mail a friend a link to this story.