How to ease adolescent transition to adulthood How to ease adolescent transition to adulthood (August 12, 2005)

By Zoe Mount

As a marriage and family therapist specializing in adolescents, I have had many young people and their parents sit in my office and tell me how long -- usually in months, occasionally in days -- it will be until the adolescent turns 18 and leaves home. It seems everyone is eager for this moment to occur.

And yet, as the time draws near, tensions begin to rise as both parents and children are beset by a host of conflicting emotions.

The teen cannot wait for the independence and freedom that comes with adulthood, yet is aware to some extent of the increased responsibilities that will come with it. Parents are excited to see a young one mature and fulfill his or her potential, yet at the same time, are loath to give up a job they have had for 18 years.

These conflicting emotions often make what is already a stressful time of planning, moving and so on even more stressful, but there are ways to minimize the effects. By openly stating expectations, negotiating needs, and respecting the new roles everyone is assuming, families can make the transition of adolescents into adulthood much smoother.

One area that can cause a lot of stress for families in transition is not stating expectations openly and clearly. Hoping that your parents or children will somehow be psychic and know what you want is a sure recipe for frustration and annoyance.

Parents who can say, "Even though you are 18, I still expect you to check in before you go out with friends -- at least as long as you live under my roof" will avoid many trivial but annoying misunderstandings. Alternately, a teen can say, "Now that I am 18, I do not think I need a curfew. I have a job and will be sure I get to work on time each day, so when I go to bed is my business." Making such expectations clear will avoid scenes such as, "Why didn't you check in?" ... "I didn't think I had to!" or "I won't be home till much later, Dad" ... "You'd better think again, buster!"

People will not always agree on the new expectations, and that is where negotiating comes in. Trying to see the other person's perspective, and giving a little on issues that are raised, will go a long way toward keeping home relatively stress-free.

For example, in the first scenario, if the adolescent finds checking in before going out to be too demeaning, he might make a counter-offer: that he'll check in if he plans to be out later than midnight. In the second scenario, if the parent is not comfortable with letting the curfew go, for fear of his sleep being disturbed when the child returns late, he might say, "That's OK by me, as long as you don't wake me when you come in."

It is important to keep in mind during these negotiations, however, that in most cases not only is the parent still the parent, the parent also pays the bills, maintains the house, and so on, and therefore has final say.

For a family to make a smooth transition with their child, it is important for all to remember and respect the new roles that are assumed. The child, who has no doubt been asserting his or her adulthood for many years, is now legally an adult, and can sign contracts, vote, and take on many more adult responsibilities. The parent must learn to let go of some of the responsibilities of being a parent, such as waking a child for school or work, nagging about homework, and so on.

With a little thought, negotiation and understanding, families can make the transition of a child to adulthood a smooth and easy one. A family that can work in all these aspects to its child's transition to adulthood will be getting that child off to a very good start for a happy and successful life.
Zoe Mount is a marriage and family therapist in Mountain View who specializes in adolescents and their families.

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