Stuff It or Talk About It? | Couple's Net | Chandrama Anderson | Mountain View Online |

Local Blogs

Couple's Net

By Chandrama Anderson

E-mail Chandrama Anderson

About this blog: About this blog: I am a LMFT specializing in couples counseling and grief and have lived in Silicon Valley since 1969. I'm the president of Connect2 Marriage Counseling. I worked in high-tech at Apple, Stanford University, and in ...  (More)

View all posts from Chandrama Anderson

Stuff It or Talk About It?

Uploaded: May 22, 2015
I finished reading Hurricane Sisters, and the husband came home begging for forgiveness. The couple spent the whole night talking, and then agreed never to talk about his affair again, and she would take him back.

This is the work of novels and Hollywood. I've not met a person who could talk one long night about an affair and put it behind them. There's a lot to discover: How did this happen? What led to the affair? Was the affair intended to end the relationship? Shake it up? The are multiple reasons for an affair, and knowing which one(s) helps in knowing how to resolve it. Trust has to be rebuilt. STDs have to be checked for. And so on.

As for stuffing things: Have you seen people with those huge jaw muscles? Knots in stomachs? Chronic pain? Stress? When we stuff, it has to go somewhere.

I recommend talking about things. Slowly, kindly, curiously, listening carefully. If you get triggered, slow down more, breathe. Say how you're feeling, rather than hammer away at the content of the discussion. E.g., I feel scared now, or betrayed. Offer comfort and empathy, rather than reassurance.
What is community worth to you?
Support local journalism.

Comments

There are no comments yet for this post
Sorry, but further commenting on this topic has been closed.

Be the first to know

Get the latest headlines sent straight to your inbox every day.

Nationally renowned Indian restaurant expanding to Palo Alto
By Elena Kadvany | 2 comments | 2,625 views

Summer travel: Is anything changing?
By Sherry Listgarten | 10 comments | 1,151 views

Premarital and Couples: "Our Deepest Fear" by Marianne Williamson
By Chandrama Anderson | 0 comments | 848 views

Cap On? Cap Off? Recycling Bottles is Confusing
By Laura Stec | 12 comments | 682 views