It’s Not Someone Else’s Responsibility to Honor My Marriage . . . | Couple's Net | Chandrama Anderson | Mountain View Online |

Local Blogs

Couple's Net

By Chandrama Anderson

E-mail Chandrama Anderson

About this blog: About this blog: I am a LMFT specializing in couples counseling and grief and have lived in Silicon Valley since 1969. I'm the president of Connect2 Marriage Counseling. I worked in high-tech at Apple, Stanford University, and in ...  (More)

View all posts from Chandrama Anderson

It’s Not Someone Else’s Responsibility to Honor My Marriage . . .

Uploaded: Aug 17, 2017
. . . It’s my responsibility.
--David Duchovny

David is right. It’s your responsibility to honor your marriage. What vows did you make? Are you honoring them every day—and I mean every day? What are your shared values? What did you talk about before getting married that you agreed were going to be the foundations of your marriage? Are you enacting them? Are you honoring them?

I hear many couples tell me what s/he isn’t doing. And I believe them. But I also want to hold a mirror up to you and ask, “Is this who you want to be? Do you want to be a person accusing your spouse rather than taking responsibility for your marriage?”

It’s always easier to see what your partner is or isn’t doing. But you have no control over your spouse. You only have control over yourself, your own behavior. So, now I ask you, what is your part in what’s going on in your relationship? What can you do differently? Are you keeping the vows and agreements you made?

Are you kind? Compassionate? Helpful? Supportive? Listening well? Are you sharing yourself? Your needs and hopes in a non-critical way? Are you letting your beloved in, or turning him/her away? Sharing your dreams? Asking how her/his day was? Are you greeting him/her at the door if you’re the first one home? Are you making your beloved your priority? Even over your kids, work, etc? Your relationship is the roof over your kids’ heads. Is it healthy or filled with strife?

It’s true that people cheat on their spouses. The only way to prevent that is to not cheat. Keep the windows and doors closed to protect your relationship. It’s your responsibility to keep your fidelity. I’m referring to both sexual and emotional affairs.

You do not need to check on your beloved, you need to trust. You do not need to call or text constantly to check up on him/her. Most people I’ve encountered exchange a few texts or calls a day or week and are fine with that. Everyone is different as to how much communication they want or need while apart. But pay attention to your motives when you do make contact. Is it to say, “I love you.” or “Please bring home some milk.” Or is it a pretext to check up on her/him?

What can you do to honor your marriage and improve it? It takes patience to do your part without pointing fingers. The wedding is only the beginning to keeping one another healthy and happy. It’s your responsibility.

If you’re having trouble, seek professional help. You may not have learned the skills and tools you need to communicate, to know and share your feelings, to negotiate well, to make your marriage the priority as you make decisions. That’s true for many people. It doesn’t mean you can’t learn. The brain can change until you die. That’s the great news.

Part of being an adult is taking responsibility for your actions. So be an adult. I have faith in you.
Local Journalism.
What is it worth to you?


Posted by Anna Sanders, a resident of Duveneck School,
on Oct 19, 2017 at 6:24 am

Anna Sanders is a registered user.

I was about to sell my wedding ring at, and then I ran into this post. I changed my mind. Thank you.

Follow this blogger.
Sign up to be notified of new posts by this blogger.



Post a comment

Sorry, but further commenting on this topic has been closed.

Stay informed.

Get the day's top headlines from Mountain View Online sent to your inbox in the Express newsletter.

Pacifica’s first brewery closes its doors
By The Peninsula Foodist | 2 comments | 2,142 views

Holiday Fun in San Francisco- Take the Walking Tour for An Evening of Sparkle!
By Laura Stec | 8 comments | 2,042 views

Premiere! “I Do I Don’t: How to build a better marriage” – Here, a page/weekday
By Chandrama Anderson | 0 comments | 1,584 views


Support local families in need

Your contribution to the Holiday Fund will go directly to nonprofits supporting local families and children in need. Last year, Voice readers and foundations contributed a total of $84,000.