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By Chandrama Anderson

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About this blog: About this blog: I am a LMFT specializing in couples counseling and grief and have lived in Silicon Valley since 1969. I'm the president of Connect2 Marriage Counseling. I worked in high-tech at Apple, Stanford University, and in ...  (More)

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It’s Not Always Been a Happy Marriage . . .

Uploaded: Aug 24, 2017
. . . I guess I wanted a quick fix.
--David Byrne

Don’t you all want a quick fix? If only it were so . . .

Most marriages don’t quickly get to rocky places. It happens over time. As trickles of sand gradually erode rock, or a seep of water eventually creates a canyon, problems and difficulties in marriage come slowly, creeping up on you.

Your awareness may have known it on a subconscious level for a while, but now you know—consciously. And it seems as if, boom, there it is! Now you want the quick fix.

Usually it takes time and work to resolve issues and concerns; to learn new tools and skills, to understand how you got here, and work at what it will take to get somewhere else. To a loving, connected, and kind relationship again.

Most couples wait for six years of troubles or problems before seeking couples counseling. And then want a quick fix. We can help—and we do—but we’re not miracle workers.

The outcome of marriage counseling is generally on you (as long as you have a well-trained competent marriage counselor to help). What do I mean by that? I mean your commitment to your relationship, to make your marriage the number one priority. To make decisions that are the best for your marriage, while taking each of you into consideration. That neither of you plan to give up on your marriage. To be committed to your spouse for the long haul. That you have both feet into the process of healing your marriage. To doing the homework your therapist gives: reading, practicing tools and skills. To giving your all before considering any other possible outcomes.

Many couples bail on savable marriages—and I’m not promoting just ending up with a mediocre marriage. I’m talking about intimate, emotionally connected, sexually active, communicative, happy marriages in which you help each other grow and be your best selves. That’s what can be born out of the ashes.

It’s up to you. Most people who do bail, end up in a new relationship with many of the same issues—just with another person—who in the end will share many of the same attributes of your previous lover, and likely your mom or dad. That’s because you take yourself with you—and you get another opportunity to resolve your issues.

You have many choices. Do you want a quick fix that’s actually unattainable? Or do you want to be the Phoenix, rising anew?

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