Couples: "A successful marriage is an edifice that must be rebuilt every day." | Couple's Net | Chandrama Anderson | Mountain View Online |

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By Chandrama Anderson

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About this blog: About this blog: I am a LMFT specializing in couples counseling and grief and have lived in Silicon Valley since 1969. I'm the president of Connect2 Marriage Counseling. I worked in high-tech at Apple, Stanford University, and in ...  (More)

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Couples: "A successful marriage is an edifice that must be rebuilt every day."

Uploaded: Jun 8, 2018
- Andre Maurois

I’m not sure that a marriage needs to be rebuilt every day, but it does need to be built every day. Are you thinking, “I don’t have time for that.” or “I don’t want to do that.” or “I don’t know how to do that.”?

It doesn’t need to be time consuming or difficult. You are in each others’ care.
Every decision you make has to be for you and for your marriage-simultaneously. Ask yourself, “Is this ________ good for my marriage?” If so, go for it. If not, don’t.

It’s often the little things in a marriage that builds intimacy and emotional connection.

You learn your beloved’s Love Language (quality time, gifts, touch, words of affirmation and acts of service) and give to her in that language (vs. your Love Language). Take the online quiz to determine these.

You place your relationship as your top priority—above kids and work. Kids are a close second. This allows you to provide a secure emotional roof over your kids’ heads and for them to learn what it is to be in a healthy adult relationship. You make it important to have work/life balance so you are not at work too much or thinking about work when you’re home. Practicing being present will help you be with your beloved when you are home. Just asking yourself: “Where am I right now?” brings you back to the present.

You talk about the hard stuff, as soon as you possibly can. Whether it’s money, sex, parenting, in-laws, and many other potential topics, couples don’t always see eye-to-eye. That’s to be expected: you grew up in different families and what you grew up with is “normal” to you. Both of you don’t share a “normal” so you have to figure things out. And you can as long as you can talk about these topics and come up with solutions that work for the two of you. There aren’t “right” answers, just what’s right for both of you.

You create your own rituals that honor your marriage. My husband and I have time before we go to sleep where we say nice things about the other (gratitude and appreciation), talk about our lives together (memories and dreams for the future), and sometimes just have laugh-time (we often don’t remember the laugh topic the next day, but that’s not what’s important).

You go on dates weekly; just the two of you and don’t talk about kids or work. Take turns planning these so you get a date you’ll enjoy and don’t stress about planning the right date for your partner. That way, every other week you’ll have a date you really love. Many couples don’t do this; they have no alone time. Or they always go out with friends. Do that too, but you need time for the two of you.

You take time off for vacations or weekend getaways. Take some of these alone. Swap kid-care with another family so they can go away alone. Or sometimes go with another family and trade off childcare so you can get alone time on the trip.

What ideas do you have for building your marriage every day?
What is it worth to you?


Posted by Michael, a resident of Portola Valley: Westridge,
on Jun 9, 2018 at 6:19 pm

This is right on the money. I would add, don't talk about money on the weekly date night. Also it's a benefit to go to new places, and do new activities together, to build those "together" experiences and strengthen the bond.

Posted by BlarryG, a resident of Leland Manor/Garland Drive,
on Jun 11, 2018 at 9:05 pm

I find that building 4 days a week and gliding the rest works pretty well.

Posted by Chandrama Anderson, a Mountain View Online blogger,
on Jun 13, 2018 at 12:01 pm

Chandrama Anderson is a registered user.

Blarry and Michael, Thanks for your thoughts.

Posted by the_punnisher, a resident of Mountain View,
on Jun 13, 2018 at 7:49 pm

the_punnisher is a registered user.

New things to see together, new places I was not really interested in but Robin was. Using the freebies that came with her job. Enjoying plays and the theratre ( spelling different because that was somethings we did together. Sex was not an issue; like all good things, I studied what where when and how in my early to present years.
On the other side of the coin, a death from cancer was difficult to deal with. Chemo was the latest killer; I hard to drive her back and forth to the chemo for some time. We did our part THEN after all the chemo he said would make the tumor operable, the SOB told us the tumor was inoperable. To be blunt, if the shock had not hit me, that doc would be a dead man; I would have killed him on the spot; I do not think any jury would have convicted me. Days later,my best friend died of throat cancer and my brain just checked out: my first stroke. I cry every time I mention her. Half of my heart left me when she died. I cannot remarry; anything else would never match that perfect union.

Posted by Chandrama Anderson, a Mountain View Online blogger,
on Jun 14, 2018 at 9:54 am

Chandrama Anderson is a registered user.

Hi The Punnisher, I would suggest you get some grief counseling. You are entitled to all your feelings; and you have many that need a place to be heard. Kara in Palo Alto offers grief counseling as we do.

Posted by Monique212, a resident of Atherton: West of Alameda,
on Jun 14, 2018 at 10:05 am

Monique212 is a registered user.

Life has taught me that you can't control someone's loyalty. No matter how good you are to them it doesn't mean that they will treat you the same way. I have been married to my husband for two years with no idea he was cheating. Suddenly i started noticing changes in behavior, i suspected something was wrong. So i confided in a friend who convinced and introduced me to a hacker. He was able to hack into my husband mobile phone, Text messages, Call logs, IG, browser history, deleted messages, Emails and WhatsApp . It seemed as though my life was spinning out of control getting to find out he has someone else. I filed for a divorce just could not continue with lies. If you feel you are been exploited in your marriage and you need proof.

Posted by Chandrama Anderson, a Mountain View Online blogger,
on Jun 18, 2018 at 11:57 am

Chandrama Anderson is a registered user.

Hi Monique212, I'm sorry to hear of what you went through, especially after only two years of marriage. Usually it's a good idea to go to counseling rather than hacking into someone's information. Legal and emotional issues for sure. What was going on in the marriage that wasn't working for one or both of you? There are many reason people cheat; getting to the bottom of it is important. Then you can decide if you'll repair the relationship or leave it.

Posted by MaceyConrad, a resident of Blossom Valley,
on Jun 28, 2018 at 4:19 pm

MaceyConrad is a registered user.

This might not directly answer your question but i'm sure it would help you a lot.. No one deserves to be cheated on, especially when your full loyalty lies with the betrayer of your trust. Initially, I thought I was just feeling insecure when my wife would just be on her phone at odd hours, until I decided to take a chance to know, knowing is better than self doubts and it was exactly what happened when I employed the services of this particular guy I came across by chance to help check her phone out thoroughly. Now I know when she's telling the truth and how to curtail her, I think it is not a drastic step if it'll make you feel better. My life got better, I stopped using my precious time to bother about her indiscretions and channeled my energy positively.

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