By Chandrama Anderson
E-mail Chandrama Anderson
About this blog: About this blog: I am a LMFT specializing in couples counseling and grief and have lived in Silicon Valley since 1969. I'm the president of Connect2 Marriage Counseling. I worked in high-tech at Apple, Stanford University, and in ... (More)
About this blog: About this blog: I am a LMFT specializing in couples counseling and grief and have lived in Silicon Valley since 1969. I'm the president of Connect2 Marriage Counseling. I worked in high-tech at Apple, Stanford University, and in Silicon Valley for 15 years before becoming a therapist. My background in high-tech is helpful in understanding local couples' dynamics and the pressures of living here. I am a wife, mom, sister, friend, author, and lifelong advocate for causes I believe in (such as marriage equality). My parents are both deceased. My son graduated culinary school and is heading toward a degree in Sociology. I enjoy reading, hiking, water fitness, movies, 49ers and Stanford football, Giants baseball, and riding a tandem bike with my husband. I love the beach and mountains; nature is my place of restoration. In my work with couples, and in this blog, I combine knowledge from many fields to bring you my best ideas, tips, tools and skills, plus book and movie reviews, and musings to help you be your genuine self, find your own voice, and have a happy and healthy relationship. Don't be surprised to hear about brain research and business skills, self-soothing techniques from all walks of life, suggestions and experiments, and anything that lights my passion for couples. (Author and Licensed Marriage and Family Therapist, Calif. Lic # MFC 45204.) (Hide)
View all posts from Chandrama Anderson
"Be grateful for every scar life inflicts on you. Where we're unhurt is where we are false. Where we're wounded and healed
[my italics is where our real self gets to show itself. That's where you get to show who you are," wrote Sara Gran, in her New Orleans mystery Claire DeWitt and the City of the Dead
In 1951 Carl Jung used the term "wounded healer" meaning that only one who has been wounded can heal others effectively.
I talk with my clients about the concept of the "walking wounded." In essence, you look around you and mostly see people that look like they've got it all together. But the truth is that most of us have been wounded in some way: emotionally, physically, sexually, spiritually.
So what do you do with your own wounds? What options do you have? Since most people are "good" at covering up their wounds, you often don't see how others work through their wounds and healing. How are you to learn your options?
Based on your own experiences, hence how your brain is wired, and therefore the attitude you have (optimist/pessimist; cup half-full/half-empty), you are somewhere on the spectrum of:
Hide it, deny it, try to forget, think it's unfair, lash out, feel shame, resentment, anger, and so on . . .
. . . Learn from it, gain compassion and empathy, realize it's part of life, acknowledge one's shared humanity, help others, feel gratitude for making it through, and so on.
Where are you on this continuum today?
Your wounds are the flip-side of your strengths. Your strengths are the flip-side of your wounds. Why am I repeating this?
The experiences that lead to your scars and healing are not fun. You will be exhausted, vulnerable, and at times, pushed to your limits. Yet you must go through your feelings and integrate them -- somehow -- to heal. This leads you to your real self, to your humanity.