By Chandrama Anderson
E-mail Chandrama Anderson
About this blog: About this blog: I am a LMFT specializing in couples counseling and grief and have lived in Silicon Valley since 1969. I'm the president of Connect2 Marriage Counseling. I worked in high-tech at Apple, Stanford University, and in ... (More)
About this blog: About this blog: I am a LMFT specializing in couples counseling and grief and have lived in Silicon Valley since 1969. I'm the president of Connect2 Marriage Counseling. I worked in high-tech at Apple, Stanford University, and in Silicon Valley for 15 years before becoming a therapist. My background in high-tech is helpful in understanding local couples' dynamics and the pressures of living here. I am a wife, mom, sister, friend, author, and lifelong advocate for causes I believe in (such as marriage equality). My parents are both deceased. My son graduated culinary school and is heading toward a degree in Sociology. I enjoy reading, hiking, water fitness, movies, 49ers and Stanford football, Giants baseball, and riding a tandem bike with my husband. I love the beach and mountains; nature is my place of restoration. In my work with couples, and in this blog, I combine knowledge from many fields to bring you my best ideas, tips, tools and skills, plus book and movie reviews, and musings to help you be your genuine self, find your own voice, and have a happy and healthy relationship. Don't be surprised to hear about brain research and business skills, self-soothing techniques from all walks of life, suggestions and experiments, and anything that lights my passion for couples. (Author and Licensed Marriage and Family Therapist, Calif. Lic # MFC 45204.) (Hide)
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About 16 months after we got married, my husband shared the following with me: He realized that for the first time in his life, he is holding nothing back, is giving over control (which is probably an illusion anyway). The risk is complete, and he’s vulnerable. I certainly feel that way about him, too. I said, “I feel like you married me again tonight.”
What do you do for one another that feels like you got married again?
What was in your mind when you pictured your life together (before the curve balls were pitched your way)? What were your dreams? Goals? Hopes?
Write a list. Look at your vows.
You can recommit to your vows, dreams and goals. You can say, “Well, a lot has happened, some amazing, some awful, and everything in between
. You can let go of resentments, anger, and fear. You can do a relationship reset. You have to choose the life you always wanted together
. And then do the work that everyone needs to after saying “I do.”
I realize that’s simple, yet not necessarily easy.
But ask yourself: How do I want to spend the next 50 years? Working on creating a better marriage? Or more of the SOS (same old Sh!t)?